Lifetime Piling Up
by spasticandviolent
Summary: It's not that Karma became your friend because you didn't have anyone else, although she kind of did, it's that there was something about her. From the time you were five-years-old, she's had something that's always made it all sorts of difficult to walk away from her.


**Lifetime Piling Up**

 **A/N:** Fic inspired by the song "7 Years" by Lukas Graham, however the title comes from the song by the Talking Heads. I didn't really intend to write this one, it just sort of worked it's way out of me after hearing the song. I hope it's enjoyable. And special thanks to my writing PIC lazarus_girl for always giving me thoughts and helping me spruce this stuff up before it reaches your eyes.

 **Summary:** It's not that Karma became your friend because you didn't have anyone else, although she kind of did, it's that there was something about her. From the time you were five-years-old, she's had something that's always made it all sorts of difficult to walk away from her.

* * *

 _remember life and then your life becomes a better one_

You were five-years-old the day you met an overzealous little redhead in the ball pit on a rainy afternoon.

The whole trip was your mom's idea, you'd have been content to stay home with the coloring book your Aunt Louise gifted you for your birthday a few weeks before, but your mom insisted you needed to socialise (she'd been concerned with your non-existent social skills for as long as you could remember).

"Honey, you need to make some friends your age. You seem lonely."

But you weren't - at least you don't remember feeling lonely at the time. Your five-year-old self didn't understand what lonely meant, that feeling didn't come until after you had to learn to spend days without her.

"Why can't we stay home?" you'd sulked (yes, even then, you were a master sulker), but your mom never relented.

"I think it would be good for you to play with kids your own age. You can't stay inside with me all the time."

"I see them at school."

"Your teachers say you spend recess on your own."

"Because I don't want to play with them," and you didn't. Even then, you could tell none of them were really worth your time or energy, and generally most of them seemed pretty stupid (you weren't allowed to say that word yet though - so you never told your mom these things).

"Amy, just go play for a little while," and you could tell by the tone in her voice that it was an order.

So, that's how you found yourself surrounded by screaming monsters, counting down until your mom might see it fit to take you home, back to your books and toys that were way better than any of this. The yelling hurt your ears, and you remember sniffling back a few unwarranted tears as you shuffled through the balls to the corner to wait.

"Hi! I'm Karma."

She was all of maybe three foot tall, her eyes bright and animated when she spoke. You were instantly charmed, and despite all of your attempts to brush her off, you couldn't really help but answer back.

"I'm Amy."

"Amy. I like your name. Do you wanna play?" she'd asked with a smile, nodding towards the ball pit you were sitting on the edge of.

"I, um, didn't come with any friends."

"I can be your friend," she shrugged, "if you want."

"Sure."

It's not that Karma became your friend because you didn't have anyone else, although she kind of did, it's that there was something about her. From the time you were five-years-old, she's had something that's always made it all sorts of difficult to walk away from her. As you got older you started to wonder what all those fluttery feelings were that day in the corner of the ball pit, but it'd take ten years, confetti, an asinine Karma-sized-plan, and her lips on yours for you to finally be able to put a name to it.

* * *

You were ten-years-old when your dad flew in from Chicago to take you out for your birthday. The last time you'd talked you'd begged him to let you bring Karma along, and though he sounded disappointed at the idea that it wouldn't be just the two of you, he conceded.

It's how you ended up sitting in a booth at Applebee's, with Karma to your right, as your dad filled you both in on his latest assignment. You remember being bored by his stories at the time (you were only ten, after all), but you also remember the funny faces Karma kept making with her ketchup on the empty half of her plate to keep you entertained.

"How's school going for you two?" he finally asked, and you reveled in your chance to finally tell him about your A+ in your english, history, and science classes, careful to skip over that measly regular A in math.

"Well-"

"Can I get you anything else to drink?" the waitress had cut you off to talk to your dad, and you refused to look at Karma so she wouldn't see the disappointment crossing your face. You'd come to find, in the years that followed, that Karma has always known you better than you know yourself, and she was already prepared to jump to your defense.

"Actually, yeah, I'll take another Coke."

"You're sure you don't want to hear what we have on special at the bar tonight?" she offered with a wink.

You were ten, and you couldn't be sure, but you thought maybe this was what people called flirting. The whole idea was foreign to you, but you picked up the word from all the nights of hiding your head under your pillow while your mom yelled, accusing your dad of ' _flirting with anything that moved.'_ He'd moved out a few weeks later, so you assumed the word didn't mean anything good - that same assumption still stood true five years later as you watched Karma interact with Liam Booker in the quad, feeling your heart lurch as she leaned up to kiss him.

Your dad chuckled and looked at the young waitress in a way you couldn't ever remember him directing at your mom. "Gotta drive these two home in a little bit, but if your shift has a few hours left I might be able to make it back before my flight tonight."

"I get off at eleven."

His final comment felt a lot like a knife to your heart, he never bothered to tell you he wasn't staying for a few days like he normally does. You'd hoped maybe he could make time to take you to a movie, like old times. The lump in your throat was hard to swallow back, but it didn't last long when you heard Karma speak.

"Are you gonna marry her or something?" her question was sassy and full of accusations when she snapped at your dad. You whipped your head in her direction, wondering what the hell she was doing, but she kept staring across the booth for answers.

"Karma…" he seemed as shocked as you were at her outburst. "I was being friendly, that's all."

"Sure you were. It's really friendly to not spend any extra time with Amy for her birthday. She's been waiting for you to visit for months! Turning ten is a really big deal. It's special. She's special!"

"I know that. It's why I'm here with you both."

"Can you guys stop talking about me like I'm not here?" you finally said, voice heavy with sadness. "I just wanna go home, Dad."

"Amy-"

"Please."

His shoulders slumped, but he got the check and paid while you and Karma waited outside by the car. It was hard to figure out what emotion you were actually feeling - you were mad at him for not telling you about his flight, sad that he never seemed to _want_ to spend time with you, and then there was some part of you that was really grateful for Karma and her unfailing loyalty.

"Amy, are you okay?"

"I'll be fine," you'd mumbled as she wrapped you in a hug. "Thank you."

"I'm always gonna be here to stand up for you. Even when we're sixty and old and wrinkly."

You could feel the beginnings of a smile. "My family sucks."

"I can be your family. Forever," she promised. "We'll get houses and live next door to each other, and our kids will be best friends, and we'll raise our families together."

It occurs to you, when you think back on this moment, that husbands (or wives) were never really part of the deal. Karma never mentioned them, and you never asked, because in your mind that fantasy was only about you and Karma spending the rest of your lives together. It wasn't until Karma's sixteenth birthday that it really sunk in that it wasn't going to be just you and Karma in those houses that'd make those images come true.

* * *

You were twenty-years-old, a junior in college, when Karma came to visit to see your new off-campus apartment. After everything, you ended up in different colleges, and you swore on the day you watched Karma drive off to Texas Southern University that your friendship was never going to fully recover. Freshman year was hard, the work load was a legitimate culture shock after Hester, and Karma seemed distant in a way that made you ache with nostalgia for a time when Karma didn't understand the word distance when it came to you.

Things got easier after that first summer back at home, and sophomore year consisted of you both alternating to make the two hour drive between Texas A&M and TSU. It didn't really matter that your college friends made fun of you for being MIA once a month to visit Karma, all that mattered was making sure that Karma never felt so far away again.

"Amyyyyy! I'm here!"

"A month is way too long to go without seeing you, Karms," you'd said as you pulled her into a hug. You'd both been so busy with getting settled that the end of September was the earliest you could make definite plans.

"It really is," she breathed out. "I missed you."

"You have no idea."

So, you gave her the grand tour of your studio apartment, and she nodded in all the right places. She complimented your decorating skills, and you'd sheepishly admitted that your friend Savannah had helped with some of that. You'd watched a look cross her features at your admittance, one that felt familiar, but you couldn't put a label on. Instead of dwelling, you grabbed her wrist and hauled her to the kitchen where you uncorked a cheap bottle of red wine and her smile felt a lot like that rainy afternoon in a ball pit.

Three hours and two bottles of wine later, you were both sitting on the floor against your couch, unable to catch your breath from laughing too hard.

"He has a boyfriend?!" you managed to get out.

"He really does. Liam finally came out," Karma answered through a giggle as she sat her wine glass on your coffee table.

"I'm sure Shane loved that."

Shane ended up at TSU with Karma and they kept a standing weekly lunch date all through college. You're still weren't entirely sure what happened between them during that summer you were on tour, but they remained close in the years that came after. The only good part about that was that Shane was able to keep you updated on Karma during that first year when you weren't really talking much - yeah, you still worried about her, regardless of the status of your relationship.

"He did. He said he couldn't believe the only straight person left was Lauren."

Karma said it so casually that you almost missed it. _Almost_. It took a few extra minutes to really register what came out of her mouth (you chalked up the delay in reaction time to the empty bottle of wine on the carpet next to you).

"Wait. What?"

She'd nodded and looked away, but there was no way you were ever going to let that be the end of that conversation. So, you'd leaned over to meet her eyes, making her face what you know she was trying so desperately to avoid.

"I don't think I'm as straight as I thought, Amy."

"Did something happen?"

"Yes… no. Maybe. I don't know, okay? Shane and I were at a party," she'd explained with a sigh and then promptly finished her glass. "Do you have more wine?"

You practically flew to the kitchen and refilled her glass so quickly that you surprised yourself. You had to tell yourself to chill the fuck out because none of it really meant _anything_. Karma hadn't said anything yet, so your heart shouldn't have been beating out of your chest the way it was.

"Shane and I were at a party. I was sober for once and I wasn't really feeling great so I was there to sort of be his wingman. This girl started flirting with me, and I was just trying to be nice, but we ended up dancing, and after like an hour she kissed me."

All you could see was red at the thought of some other girl kissing Karma. Yeah, you knew she dated a few guys through college (Johnny, Brent, and that dickface Ryan), but you'd sort of gotten used to the idea of Karma being with a guy. However, a _girl_ touching Karma felt a lot like betrayal - if Karma was going to be with a girl you couldn't fathom why it wouldn't be you.

"Was it - did you like it?" you asked, carefully. You weren't sure you actually wanted an honest answer, but how could you not ask it.

Karma heaved a breath and shifted to face you more fully. "Amy, the last time we kissed... at that party in high school... you wanted me to tell you it meant something. And I really couldn't, I was drunk. I really wasn't willing to risk our friendship on a 'maybe,' but I _know_ I felt something when that girl kissed me. And I know, if I really think about it, that I felt something when you kissed me all those times before."

Your eyes felt wide as saucers, and you could feel the blood rushing to your face, you heard it pooling in your ears. Nothing she was saying was computing.

"Earth to Amy," she was saying when you finally refocused. Were you even willing to reopen the Pandora's box that was your feelings for Karma?

"Yeah?"

"You okay?"

"I don't really know. I - this isn't something I expected."

"Well, me either," Karma admitted with a soft smile. "Is it too much if… you can tell me… but is it too much, if I ask you to kiss me?"

It should've been too much, but your response felt automatic as you leaned in to kiss Karma for the first time in over four years. Your palms were sweaty, and her breath hitched as soon as your lips touched. It took a few seconds for her to settle into you, but you could feel her relax when her hands rested on the back of your neck as she pulled you closer. Your noses bumped awkwardly a few times, and you could feel her smile into the kiss when they did. It only served to make you pull her closer, so you wrapped your arm around the small of her back. She tasted like that cheap wine and soft echoes of the cherry chapstick she always carried in her purse (and had since she came across it at a CVS when you were twelve). Her small whimper at your tongue in her mouth nearly sent you over the edge, so you pulled back to rest your forehead against hers, never imagining you'd be here.

"Was that-"

"I am so _not_ straight," she'd breathed out, eyes half-lidded with something like desire. "Have you always been that good of a kisser?"

It was everything you ever wanted to hear, even if it took her a few extra years to figure it out. Sure, there's a small part of you that wanted to make her wait it out, to torture her with indecision just to make her worry a little bit, but you've never been able to say no to her. You've also never been able to not want to kiss her, so you swore right there that you'd never stop.

* * *

You were twenty-two years old on your last night in your off campus apartment at Texas A&M. Graduation was the next morning and you found yourself weirdly nostalgic looking around the little studio apartment where you and Karma had officially begun. The little wine stain on the carpet next to the couch spoke of the night you first kissed her, and the warped water mark on your coffee table was from all the nights Karma fell asleep before putting her glass on a coaster. There were holes in the walls from pictures of the two of you that had been hanging, and plaster over a massive hole she'd created when she tried to help you hang a shelf (what a mess that had been).

"Ames, Home Depot gave me four more boxes, but they said that's all we could have," Karma was trudging up the steps outside your apartment, acting like no one else lived in that apartment building.

"Well, they did give us the other twenty."

"How much stuff could you possibly have in a studio apartment?! I always thought I'd be the one with all the stuff."

She looked so small dragging four boxes behind her up the flight of steps. It was possibly the cutest thing you'd ever seen, and you rushed to help her the rest of the way. Once you got everything inside, you grabbed her a bottle of water since it was like eight hundred degrees in the Texas heat that day. Before you could hand it to her she was stripping out of her tank top, left in a pair of Under Armour shorts and a sports bra, and you couldn't look away.

"Maybe I just bought extra stuff to watch you strut around in that outfit."

Her head whipped up, eyes full of amusement. "I look like a sweaty mess."

"You look hot."

Karma was in your arms quicker than you really knew what to do with, her lips pressed against yours roughly in a way that you'd never experienced with her before. You responded without hesitation, hands sliding to grab at her waist when she was suddenly not close enough. She groaned when you moved further to grab her ass, and bit down on your bottom lip. Your whole world had almost fallen apart right there. You'd slept together probably hundreds of times over the last two years in that apartment, but she had never been so frantic and grabby like she was that night.

* * *

You were twenty-six years old the day you made Karma yours in the most permanent way you possibly could. You'd both said 'I do' and lightning struck as soon as the words left your mouths, and Karma couldn't stop laughing. You barely got through the rest of the ceremony with a straight face, every time you caught each other's eyes it started another round of giggles, and you were sure the priest was about to take the whole thing back.

Both your parents and hers had looked proud, and you were happy with all the progress your mom made in accepting your relationship with Karma. You were pretty sure Shane sobbed through the entire ceremony and a few times you'd caught Lauren sneaking him tissues.

You're never going to forget the way Karma looked when you finally saw her in that dress. It finally made sense to wait for that moment. Actually, everything finally made sense, and all your drama that got you here seemed to have meaning. The whole day, even though it rained and your extended family got in a huge screaming match halfway through the reception, will be forever etched into your mind. It didn't feel like there would ever be a day that would top it.

"Thank you for today," Karma whispered as you shuffled around on the dance floor (you never were a great dancer - Lauren's baby goat comment went on to define a lot of your adult life).

"What're you thanking me for?"

"Loving me? Wanting to marry me?"

You scoffed. It still amazed you that Karma could carry her insecurities into her own wedding day. You wondered how anyone could feel insecure looking like she did in that white gown that took your breath away. She was wearing your favorite perfume, her hair was done up perfectly, and you swore you'd spend the rest of your life chasing those insecurities away.

"Karms, I've wanted to marry you since we were kids. Since before I knew what getting married was. I just remember hearing it meant spending the rest of my life with someone, and that person has _always_ been you."

Without fail, you could see the tears building up in her eyes, so you leaned in and pressed your lips to her cheek. As you pulled away, you heard the familiar chords of a song that made up a lot of your childhood with Karma. You finally met her eyes and you could see the smirk playing on her lips.

"The last time we played this at a wedding it didn't go so well. I thought it needed a new start."

You laughed, shaking your head, you should've known she'd be so sentimental. The version playing over the speakers was slower than the original, an acoustic guitar took the place of the 80s synthesizer, and you were relieved you didn't have to break out the choreographed dance routine.

" _Straight up now tell me do you really want to love me forever?"_ she'd sang along, her eyes never left yours. _"Straight up now tell me is it gonna be you and me together?"_

The lyrics were apt, but you had to smile when she stuck her tongue out at you at the end of the line. There were a lot of things over twenty-six years you knew you'd take back if you could, but loving Karma could never be one of them.

* * *

You were twenty-nine yearsold when Karma said she wanted to try the in-vitro again. You were scared to go through the devastation that came with the treatments not working, it broke her just a little bit more every time, and you couldn't really handle the sadness that hung heavy in the back of her eyes. But, all you ever really wanted was to have a family with Karma, especially once your future merged into owning one house _together_ , rather than spending your future apart.

"Are you sure, Karm? We can wait a while longer."

"We're almost thirty. I'm like a ticking clock, eventually this isn't going to be an option for us, I'll be too old. We need to do this now while we still can."

She was right. She always was. But, you were trying to protect her, the way she always protected you when the world hit a little too hard. It was physical pain to watch her cry herself to sleep after the fifth and sixth treatments didn't work, the thought of doing that again made your stomach churn.

"What if I try?"

"We've talked about it already. I just… I want to be able to do this for you."

"Babe," you took her into your arms, hands tightening around her waist. "You don't have to do this _for_ me."

"Fine," she conceded. "Then I want to do this _with_ you. I want to carry our baby. Just one more try."

"One more," you agreed reluctantly.

She carried the baby to thirty weeks, and delivered in an emergency C-section after she scared you half to death when she started bleeding, and you had to rush her to the hospital. The doctors told you she abrupted and you almost lost them both, you were so fucking _mad_ that you didn't just put your foot down about that last treatment.

"How's Avery?" she grunted out, throat sore from the intubation.

"She's in the NICU, the nurses said she's a fighter though," you told her before sitting in the chair at her bedside. "Karma, I almost lost you."

"You know I wouldn't let that happen. Besides, I'd haunt you for the rest of your life anyway, so you'll never be without me."

You chuckled at her warped sense of optimism. "Just because I like horror movies doesn't mean I find that funny."

Her eyes turned serious and she reached for your hand. "Ames, I'm good. I love you. I'm not goin' anywhere."

"Better not."

* * *

You're about to turn sixty-years-old and you're not really sure where the _hell_ the last thirty years went. After the wedding, Avery, Noah, Casey (the last two you carried, despite Karma's complaints), and adopting Lux (the puppy Karma spent years begging you for), the years just seemed to pass in a blur of baby shoes, diapers, bike lessons to driving lessons, graduations, heartbreaks, weddings, and grandkids. You can't believe you were able to spend all those years with Karma - you almost can't believe she finally really became your family, and then you were able to make a family of your own together.

The sun shines brightly in through the window in front of your desk, and you finally finish the letter you've spent the last few days scribbling notes on. Days like this, you miss your parents - your dad passed over ten years ago from a heart attack, and you lost your mom a few years later after her battle with ovarian cancer.

"Mom! You ready?" it's Casey calling up the steps, he's a spitting image of you, but he reminds you so much of Karma that you almost can't breathe sometimes.

"I'll be there. Are Avie and Noah here?"

"Av and Nick just pulled up with the kids. Noah said he'd meet us there, he's running late."

It's typical of him, though neither you or Karma really taught the kids punctuality. So, you head down to greet your grandchildren and your throat tightens every time you see the head of red hair on Avery and Nick's oldest, five-year-old Charlotte. It's vibrant, and wavy, and every bit of what Karma's was at that age - she also inherited the same amount of sass that ran through Karma… and Avery for that matter.

Nick drives, and you're happy Avery found a man like him, he's not anything like the douches she dated through high school - for a while you and Karma were worried about who she might end up with. You see them all once or twice a month, sometimes more depending on the kids. Avery and Nick gave you Charlotte, but they also gave you two-year-old Sophia, two gorgeous little girls. You weren't sure you could love any little ones as much as you came to love your own three, but you were proven wrong with the birth of your grandchildren.

Noah arrives just as you all do and he hugs you immediately. He's very focused on his music and you're not sure he'll ever settle down, but you just want him to be happy, what more could you ask for? He used to love bringing his guitar to the hospital, it made Karma happy, and in turn made you happy, despite the situation. Casey is almost finished with college, you know it's hard for him to be excited about the milestone when there's so many people that won't get to see him cross the finish line.

"At least the weather's nice," Avery comments offhandedly, Sophia on her hip as Nick follows with his hand in Charlotte's.

Noah and Casey lag behind, making jokes that you know distract them from the task at hand, and you're glad they have each other. They both have Karma-amounts of sensitivity and you swear you've seen them both cry more than you've ever seen Avery - it makes you smile because Karma carried her, but she took so much from you as she grew.

You lay the orchids on the grass gently, followed by the letter that you know will never be read, but you felt compelled to write. It hurts you when you realize Charlotte and Sophia will never really know what a wonderful woman their grandmother was.

It's the first time you've all been here. It's only been eight months, the hardest eight months of your life so far, and you finally understand what loneliness is. It only took fifty-five years to finally grasp the meaning of the word. You found yourself unable to make this journey, though you've driven by countless times, because you know she's been waiting. The boys gather on one side, while Avery and her family huddles together on the other, and you wish you could express your gratitude to her for giving you this family - for leaving you with this if she couldn't manage to stay herself.

So, you kneel down, hand grazing the marble headstone that feels nowhere near as warm as she always did, and smile when the wind flutters through the the petals of the flowers and the envelope skitters away from the force. She probably actually did decide to haunt you, and you suppress a laugh because you're sure the kids will think you're crazy.

"Happy birthday, hon," you say softly, leaving a purple ball, half of a necklace, and a star ripped from a bedroom ceiling next to the envelope and flowers. She couldn't be here for the scavenger hunt, so you brought it to her instead. "It was a good life, Karms. I'm so glad I got to share it with you for as long as I did," you exhale a slow breath to steady yourself, feeling overwhelmed, only just able to say, "I love you," before you break down and Casey is at your side, putting a supportive hand on your shoulder.

You were five-years-old the day you met her, she changed everything you thought you knew about the world. Nothing was ever really the same after that.


End file.
